Cry for Diviine Intervention

God, You read the words I just wrote and most importantly you know the thoughts that have consumed my mind this past month. First of all, God please forgive for those thoughts that were sinful and not from you. Forgive me for those thoughts that were unloyal and unfaithful to Cooper, I know I've had them. God I'm just so lost and confused right now. I don't know what the right thing is to do. I just don't want to be in a "fake" relationship with Cooper. He deserves someone who is as completely in love with him as he is with me. Maybe I am that person, but Lord I need some completeness. Rawley was one of my best friends, and well you know what impact and high importance he held in my life. God I just simply can't forget him. I just want to know if we are meant to stay friends or if there really is something more, but I don't want that to destroy our relationship. Along with that, I don't want to break Cooper's heart. I know if he knew what I was thinking and had written I would completely break him down...God you know the passion, dreams, and desires in my heart. God I want you and need you to help me to determine which parts of my heart are deceiving me. God I need peace. I need to trust you. I want to be in your will God. I just don't know which way I am to go. I'm so afraid of hurting people and making a decision that will completely change my future. God help me to trust you and to open my eyes to see where you are leading me. God help me to follow you. And lastly thank you for loving me unconditonally and for forgiving me. Thank you for always be here for me, no matter if the two people I am talking about leave me I will always have you on my side. Thank you God just please help me to see what you want me to see and to think your thoughts. God I need you and I need your help. Please God help me to see what you want me to do. In your name I pray, amen.

Falling Out

I've been struggling with something lately and I wish I could pin point what it is, but I'm just going to come on out and say it. I think Cooper and I need to break up for awhile. This thought has nothing to do with him. He has been more than amazing this past semester and has shown me his love for me every day. The problem is I don't feel like I'm reciprocating that love. I can't tell you why exactly. I mean right in my grasp I have the most perfect, and amazing guy in the world who is madly in love with me. But he has a girl who he is questioning her love her him. She is questioning her commitment. She is dreaming of what could be and what she may be missing out on. I think the origin of this problem comes from me rushing out of high school to college and right into a relationship. No, I had not planned to get into a relationship immediately upon coming to college. I had planned on meeting and experiencing many guys...nothing serious, just all short-lived, maybe one nighters. But those ideas all changed when Cooper really came into my life. I fell in love with him like a whirlwind and before I knew it we were on our way to a serious relationship. This relationship meant I spent ALL my free time with him. Sure I had my sorority events, but seriously instead of hanging out with girlfriends I was with him. That was all fine and dandy at the time of course, but being in a relationship always means having to sacrafice something. In my case it has been friendships. Anyways, I think I'm getting off track. Lately, (this past fall semester) I've just felt something wrong. I know I'm not being or feeling what a girlfriend should. One simple example that I absolutely hate writing is that when I'm away from him my feelings are just blah. I don't exactly miss him or ache for him to come back. I can't believe I'm writing this but it's true. And when it comes to bedroom activities...I'm just as into it anymore. Maybe, once a week if he's lucky, I'll want to play around...I know this is silly, but physically/sexually I'm just not as into it anymore. He's noticed too and I really can't help it. I just want to lay there and cuddle, not with him touching me or trying to get something going... Also, the guy who the original posts of this little blog were about still consumes my mind. I thought this summer I had finally made mental peace with him in my mind. I thought I had finally convinced myself that if he really wanted to be with me then he would make it happen. That he would have fought for me all those years we spent in our up and down friendship...but I can't get him out of my head. It's gotten worse lately. I just wonder you know...I used to swear without a doubt that he was the guy I was going to marry. When Cooper came into my life that changed, but now I just wonder. I just don't want to live the rest of my life wondering what if? What if he is the one whom my soul loves? With Cooper I know I would have the perfect life and everything would be great. But would I love him the way I need to. Would I be able to be a faithful wife and not ever regret or wonder what could have been. This is why I'm proposing that Cooper and I may need to take a break. This decision though can turn out very devastating and heartbreaking. I know breaking up with him or taking a break would absolutely crush his heart. I know that he is passionately and completely in love with me. If I break up with him or whatever, would I be able to get him back if I realized he really is the one for me. Would he find someone else who truly loves him the way he deserves? Next, what about Rawley. Where do his feelings lie in regards to me? Does he think we are meant to be something more than friends? Would he be willing to try? Would I just be making a huge mistake and end up destroying our close friendship that I so deeply treasure? There are so many ways this could go wrong, yet so many ways it could end up right. I just want all three of us to end up with the person whom we truly, completely, and unconditionally love and whom our soul is meant to be with. In the end, I just need to put my trust in God that he has a plan and that he knows the future. He knows the man I will marry and I just hope I follow the right path that will continue to lead me to him.

Fast forward

So now I'm going to stop telling how our little love story got started and fast forward to current. This is what I wrote about a little fight we got into:

I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. I mean shit I want to hang out with my friends sometime! What's so wrong about that? I only have two weekends left before I'm gone for a freakin month. I mean maybe I'm just a shitty girlfriend. One who doesn't ever listen, is unreliable, and isn't serious about our relationship. I don't know...I mean sometimes it would be nice just to be...free. Just having to only worry about me. To be able to do what I want, when I want, and with who I want. But...fuck. I have this guy. Cooper. And if I fuck things up with him I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. The one guy who is perfect to me. If I lose him I know I will never be able to find a guy as great as he is. Not only is he a great guy, he loves me. He treats me like I'm a freakin Queen. He treats me far better than I deserve. And I for sure don't deserve to have him. On the other hand, I can't imagine being without him and I don't want to ever be without him. Fuck. I just want to feel something! Anything! Something passionate. Even if it's anger or passionately in love. It's like I'm the only one who ever fucks up in our relationship. He's just sensitive, maybe I should be more considerate of his feelings. Even though it's me being selfish a lot of the time...but I really do need nights with just my girlfriends! I just don't know...

But what I do know is that every time I see him everything becomes all right. When I pull up in his driveway and he comes out and hugs and kisses me...it's like everything else just fades away and for those few moments it's just me and him. It's like everything is okay with the world for that short period of time. Like we're invincible and that we will be together forever. That nothing will ever come between us. But then I leave and life sets back in. But who knows maybe together we are invincible. Maybe, hopefully, we will be together forever. Maybe this is just the start.

Wanna go get a coke?

Monday, we had all just gotten back to school from being home for the county fair. He simply texts me and asks if I'd like to go get a coke with him. I say yes and he picks me up in front of the dorms.

I was nervous, yet excited. He's sooo freakin cute! So we go to sonic and get a coke. We have a nice conversation. He's one of the funniest guys I know. He can always make me laugh.

He just happened not to have chemistry lab, but his friend Dusty did so we had time to kill before we needed to pick him up. We drove around for awhile and just talked. Then we went to a park in Mesilla. We get out of his truck and he comes around and grabs my hand. This definitely surprised me, but I liked it. We walked to the swings and started swinging. We did that for awhile and then it was just me swinging and he was standing beside me. Then I stop swinging and I'm standing face to face with him. Then it happens.

He leans in and kisses me :)

First kisses are so exciting, yet kinda awkward. But I can tell you that it was perfect :) Soon we get back in the truck to head back to get his friend. When we get there he's still in class so we walk around and kiss some more. At this point, we're just having fun and trying to figure out each others' kissing style. Eventually, his friends get done and he drops me off at the dorms.

I look back now and think how beautiful, exciting, and innocent that day was :)

If we had only known

As I mentioned in my previous post I had been talking to Cooper since April of last year. We talked all through the summer. He always said how excited he was that I was coming to school at state and how we would have to hang out. He always flirted with me and when he was in Hawaii he would tell me how he wished he was on the beach with a hot blonde. That was in reference to me lol One time I went to Albuquerque to register for my classes at NMSU. I was texting him and told him I was in ABQ to register for classes and he freaked out! It was funny, but I reassured him that I was for serious going to NMSU. From then I kinda realized that maybe he was serious about me...then he went to Canada and then to Africa for a month and I moved on to other things.

Going into college I had the mentality that I was going to be rebellious. I was going to do everything my parents taught me not to do and wouldn't want me to be doing. Partying. Drinking. Getting with the guys. I admit that at the first of the semester I was successful at this. I went to parties, got drunk, hooked up, and talked to guys.

That first week of school was the fair. I had one class on Thursday then I was going home for the weekend so I could go to the fair. I got to hang out with my girlfriends for one last time before we all went back to college. So my friends and I decided we were going to grab something to eat at Long John Silvers (which was not characteristic of us. we never eat there. spur of the moment decision). When we walked through the doors there sat Cooper and some other people. That's how much attention I paid to everyone else. All I knew was that Cooper was sitting there. And oooh was he lookin' good or what! So I went over and made small talk with him for a little bit then went back to my girls. I had gotten a hint from another friend that he would be there but I didn't know for sure.

That night Josh Abbott was performing at our fair. So us girls were going to have a good time and hang out with our good friends. Which we successfully did. We did venture over to watch some motorcross to scout for some hot guys but that didn't last long. We went back to the concert and of course he was there. I danced with him and he's such a great dancer! He held my hand as he led me to the dance floor. I knew I liked him but I didn't think much of it. Then we talked for awhile as we stood outside trying to cool off. I didn't get to hang out with him as much as I wanted. Mainly, because I was single and we had boys to look for. So the rest of the night I enjoyed time with my girls secretly wishing I could have spent more time with him.

The next Monday when we all get back to school is when things between me and Cooper really got started...

Changes

I really don't even know where to begin. I went off to college and my whole world changed the moment my parent's drove off. Finally, I was free. I was independent. I would live life how I wanted and make my own decisions.

Throughout the summer Rawley and I had a complex relationship. We would hang out and have a good time. Then the next thing I know we aren't talking. This occurred throughout the summer. I was really confused. All I knew was that I wanted Rawley and I to be on the same page and to be friends again. One day we went at it and hashed it out and ended up resolving things. After that we were friends again. However, college came and I moved away. We rarely talked at all just because we were so busy and trying to adjust to our new ways of life. We really just drifted apart...

I had been talking to this guy named Cooper, since April of that year. I've known Cooper over the years and had always been very attracted to him. For one, he's really handsome. He's also a super funny guy. He always was making people laugh and flirting with the girl's. I remember thinking one summer that someday I was going to make him mine.

He's a year older than me and was already at college. My friend had went to visit her boyfriend who happened to be one of Cooper's best friends. I guess my name came up in conversation and Cooper made some comment about how he thought I was very pretty. Kaitlen told me this and it gave me hope that something could possibly happen between Cooper and I.

Things Have Changed...

All I can say is wow....sooo much time has passed since I last posted!! Wayyy too much time. I've already completed my freshman year of college!! And let me tell you that things have completely changed since my last post. I just went through and read all of my old posts...it brought back some old and forgotten emotions. Hopefully, soon I'll try to catch this blog up. Probably with one summary post and then continue from there. I have sooo much I could write about. I've changed. Things have changed. People have changed.

I'm really glad I have this blog though...and hopefully I will begin posting again.
I'll write soon!! Peace <3 Sky