seems like i've said this before

dsafhewiougoewihg!@3#&*(^!!!!!

Seriously this is happening again?!

I swear it happens every time I see you!! Every time I see you and I'm with my friends from school! I hate it and I'm tired of it!! We always have an enjoyable time together but then you hear something. Something that SOMEONE said I said or did involving you. and you know what most of the time it's not true and never happened. someone just opened their mouth and attached my name to some ridiculous story that i never was involved in, or said, and would have even thought about saying or doing! You think I talk sh*t about you...and you believe them...screw you! even though i really don't mean that...it hurts to know that you, my BEST friend, would believe what some chick says that you barely know!
Ugh rawley you don't know how much pain this causes me! rawley you are my best friend and anything i ever say or do is NEVER intended to hurt you because i know you've been hurt enough....and how would i know that???...cuz we're best freakin friends son!! yes i make mistakes and sometimes i can be really really stupid and i'm so so sorry. but son this can happen with any other person and it won't bother me. but when this happens between me and you it drives me crazy!! i can't stop thinking about you and what i need to say or do to TRY to fix it. the thing is one day i'm afraid we wont be able to fix it. that one day you won't be able to forgive me or forget about it. you see rawley there is a reason why i have a really hard time when we have a fight....it's because i love you! can't you see that? rawley i am in love with you and without you i simply cannot go on. i need you son don't you realize that? this makes me sick (literally) when sh*t like this happens. i cannot stand it! rawley please forgive me for whatever the heck it is i did! because like all the other times before i honestly have no idea what the heck i did to make you turn your back on me and forget about everything that we have...rawley i am so so so sorry. words cannot express how sorry i am that i hurt you. now physically and emotionally i am a mess right now. i'm weak and crying...rawley please...i hate this...but i'm gonna give it some time and hopefully you'll take me back, hopefully....

p.s. i love you

I Miss my Best Friend

That's right. I miss him. He is my best friend for goodness sake. We're just going through a rocky time right now. This is a quote from one of my photobucket pics and this is how i feel about him and this whole situation:

"I'm not perfect.
I'll annoy you,
tick you off,
say stupid things,
and then take them back.
But put all that aside,
you'll never find a girl that,
cares and loves you
more than me."

We just can't be done with our friendship. We are not done. I'm going to fix this no matter what it takes. I can't stand this. It's killing me. I miss my best friend.

My best friend hates me

So, I couldn't stand it any longer, I HAD to text Rawley. So, I said hey i need to tell u something. I don't remember what he said but it wasn't very nice. So, I apologized to him about what I said and I told him I didn't know that he was being serious or else I wouldn't have said something like that. He should have told me what was going on and I told him that. Basically, he was a jerk to me and I was one back. I wasn't just going to let him win. I had to argue what I thought. So, he forgave me and I asked if we could be friends again and he said no. No to being friends. I told him that i needed him and that we've been too good of friends to just say we aren't friends anymore but he just kept saying that i have molly now and that totally pissed me off. So, i even told him more about why i needed him and he was still a total jerk about it. I do admit that I wasn't being totally nice but I had my guard up. I did mention how he hated me now in one of my messages and he said that hate is a strong word. By that I guess he doesn't completely hate me, which makes me feel a little better. He really doesn't know what this is doing to me. I hate this. So, he's most likely dating tori by now and when they are over guess who he's going to come running back to? Me. And I'm stupid enough that I'm going to be here for him because I truely love him and I want him to see that. That when no one else is there for him, I will be there. Always. Then he suddenly started talking about hooking up with me. So, i thought hey everything is almost back to normal. Wrong. I just really want my best friend back and he's making it hell to get back to that point. But i'm going to go through this hell to be his best friend again. Not just because I need him but because he needs me. One day he'll realize it. But as for right now he apparently doesn't see that he belong with me. I'll make him see that one of these days. So, now I'm just waiting. Waiting for what? For him to come back to me. I hope it won't be long because this is killing me. I really can't stand it but I'm just going to have to. I wish he would just get over it. Geez. I miss him already. I'm so stupid. He's probably just going to break my heart. But of course I'm hoping that it will turn out the other way. So we'll see. Thats it. Peace yo <3

Boys are Stupid!!!

Rawley Rawley Rawley. What the hell are you doing?! Seriously! Ok so now that molly is a single lady she has been wanting to get back with rawley. So he tells me that he doesn't like her. He tells her that he goes on all these dates with people and a bunch of shit like that. Well, earlier today she texts me about going to the rodeo and i was yeah. Then she texts me saying "Guess who Rawley is dating?" and I say who? she says Tori Tucker. So die laughing and make fun of her and stuff. Well, I totally think he was kidding just cuz of what he's told me. So i text him and say Tori Tucker?! She's even more manly than you are son! He tells me to suck a dick and i tell him to go suck hers. It was a good burn I must admit. Then later he texts me saying how he never wants me to talk to him again. And so i say something bout how he could at least explain whats going on and he goes on to explain how I'm a liar and all kinds of shit and so i say i dont even know what i freakin did to you. So that was the end of that. Then molly texts me and said that rawley called her and that he still likes her. So she gets all excited about going to the rodeo. Well, we're at the rodeo and he sucks it up roping. So me and molly are walking to the bathrooms and there he is standing with tori tucker! I was ohmigosh he was serious! We were both so pissed. So we were walking back from the bathroom and molly tries to tell him good job but he just blows her off. So we sit and fume for awhile and watch him and tori. Then we walk back to sit with m&b and decided to take a sit by him and tori. So it was funny and molly asked him some things and well it didn't go good. So we went back and sat with m&b and pretty soon we left cuz we were all pissed at him. So, I feel bad for molly cuz she's crying and shit cuz she thought that she was gonna get back with him tonight but apparently not. So screw him!

I just wish he would tell me what's going on. He called me a liar? Yeah right he is the liar who needs to figure out what he wants. You know I feel so betrayed. I considered him my best friend but he doesn't even tell me anything. He says he didn't have time to talk to me this weekend. Well thats apparently a bunch of bullshit cuz he talked to molly and he must have talked to tori! I don't know what to do. I just really need to talk to him even though he totally hates me now. I just wish I knew what the hell he thinks he's doing. Some best friend he is. Right now i totally hate him. When tori gets rid of him he'll come crawling back to me and i being the good friend that i am will try to comfort him but idk. I think he just uses me. I'm just some toy for him to play with when he's lonely and no one will talk to him. Well forget that trash. I freaking hate him now!!

So...

Well, I just returned home from a trip to Washington D.C. on June 3rd but thats not what I want to blog about. Don't get me wrong D.C. was freakin amazing but this will be more exciting trust me....to me it is anyways.

So, I got my phone back on the 29th of May. So, of course I texted Rawley and said yo I got my phone back. Me and rawley are pretty good friends. I mean basically we are best friends. But there is also a little something more between us. So we had been talking and this past weekend was the Pioneer Days Rodeo. And molly his ex just happened to be gone to raton. So he was like hey we should hang out at the rodeo on saturday. So I was like ok we'll see what happens. So saturday came and we started making plans. I had to ask my parents and they said that it would be ok. So they dropped me off at Wal-mart and I found him in there. Then we went and ate at Taco Box. Then pretty soon it was time to go to the rodeo. And of course all this time we were talking about stuff. Well, when we got to the rodeo we were a little surprised. We knew so many people there! Like just walking up to the gate I saw Jarod and Jessie. Jarod gave me a funny look lol So we got our tickets and went inside and ran into dalton and brenna. Then into Kaitlin, Kat, and Kylynn and I talked to them of course. He knew lots of people too. So we went and sat down on the side that the calf ropers would come out of. Pretty soon dalton, brenna, mandy, kortney, and my sister came and sat by us. I was like oh crap! But dalton sat beside me and rawley was on the other side so it was ok. They talked a lot so it was good. Below us Christian Pettigrew was sitting too. I was like omg lol Well eventually all those girls left us for awhile. Soon Caleb and Adam West showed up and talked to us. We saw so many people omg! So anyways we just watched the rodeo and kinda talked. Soon those girls came back. Then some more fort people showed up! I was like geez but oh well. Soon the rodeo was over and I walked with him back out to his mother's burban lol So we sat and talked for awhile until my dad called a little bit later and I needed to go back to help my mom clean up for concession. So I told him goodbye and went back to help. He said he was going to talk to mandy and explain that we are just friends so he did and she believed him. I guess he talked to molly too. But lately things have been weird between us. I feel like something about me is bothering him. I don't know what it is. I know he's really busy with roping and that he must do well this week with roping but still. He could at least text me geez. So I really don't know whats up know. It's kinda pissing me off. Well, yesterday I was vbs and we had home ec. skill a thon. Molly broke up with her boyfriend Kyle yesterday morning because of some reasons. She wants to get back with Rawley. I hope he makes the right decision. He told me if he did go back out with her then I would still be his best friend. But really? Idk. I told him it would kill me if he got back with her. And I'm serious it would. I don't know if I would take him back. So anyways molly texted me last night. She said she was upset with me cuz i didn't have the guts to tell her i met rawley but rawley had told her. I told her I was sorry and that i figured she had heard anyway. Rawley had explained to molly that we were just friends and I told her how I just liked him as a friend too. I told her if she wanted to get back with him then I wouldn't try to get in the way. It's his choice. I will try to encourage not to but that's all i can do. So everything is good between me and molly. In fact we're going yard and garage sale shopping on saturday lol But rawley...idk whats up with him. Idk what i did or what i said or if i didn't do something that i was supposed to. I just need him to talk to me so we can talk about it. Rawley please text me or call me...please...Thats it for now. Peace yo <3

Well...it has been a very long time since I last posted. Things have changed a lot. You know that boy in those previous posts? Well, we've moved on. We're still like best friends but now I kinda have someone else. I think boy1 is ok with it. I hope he is. I hope it's not hurting him like it would hurt me if he had someone else. He says he's happy for me but who knows if he truly means that. He may be happy that I'm happy but he may be hurting inside. I really just wanna talk to him. Just as friends.

So now I'll write about my new "thing". He's my prom date and well...I don't know how to explain it. We basically are dating but we don't carry the title. Mainly because my parents won't let us date. Which is stupid. But everyone considers us a couple. We play the part too. He walks me to class. We hold hands at lunch. We walk together to the locker room. Then we part with a kiss...or 2....or 3...or...it just depends on the day. He's so sweet to me. He calls me beautiful. He's stopped smoking for me. He's refrained from beating people up just for me. He has also threatened to beat people up who do anything wrong to me. He's amazing. The sad part is that he has a totally jacked up home life. I'll not go into detail because I really don't know that much. He doesn't bring it up. He says that I'm everything to him and that I'm the only person who has ever really cared. My blue eyes mesmorize him and I mean everything to him. He's come a long ways. I really hope I can date him because I think I can help him. I give him a reason to wake up every morning. I hope I can lead him to who we really needs. To Jesus Christ. If anything I hope to plant a seed in his life. I really like him. He calls me babygurl and baby and beautiful. I love it! He means so much to me because I've came to realize how much I mean to him. I really really like him. I wish I was sitting on his roof with him in his arms. I told him I would probably fall off if I was up there with him and he said: Baby I wouldn't let you fall off. *Sigh* Cheesy I know but oh well it's not cheesy to me. I believe that I'll be done. peace xoxo
<3>

I miss him. I need to see him. Not just for physical reasons but just to sit and talk to him. I need him like a heart needs a beat. I wanna hold his hand and kiss his lips. I just want him to hold me in his arms. I want to curl up next to him and lay my head on his shoulder. I could go on forever...I just want to be with him so bad! If I could see him then everything would be ok. I would be happy. My life would be wonderful. I would have no complaints. But its not that way. People are keeping us apart. I wish we could just escape from them so we could be together. Just so we can talk. I hate this. Peace yo <3

Stupid Boys

You know the saying "You never know what you got till it's gone." Well, its true. He's losing me. I'm losing him. I'm letting him go. I can't hold on any longer. I can't keep holding myself back. I have to move on and forget. He will forever be just a memory. I wish I didn't mean these words. I wish that he wasn't losing me and that I wasn't losing him. I wish I didn't have to hold on. I wish he was holding on for me. More like I wish he was holding me. If I could just be in his arms everything would be ok. I wouldn't have to do this. I don't think I mean all these words. I know I don't. I don't know what to do. I've never been so lost before. It's all because of one stupid boy. One stupid boy that is breaking my heart. Yet he is the only one who can mend it. I hate this. I hate feeling that there is something between us but we're being forced by other people to forget that feeling. A feeling that could be more than just friends. That feeling is Love. True love. Love is just a word until you find someone to give it a definition. I think I've found that someone. Maybe I'm wrong. But just maybe I'm right. If only people knew what was going on inside of me. Things would be so different. But it's not that way. No one knows about all this pain, hurt, loneliness, and confusion that is raging inside me. No one but me.

I've been sitting here for like 10 minutes but I had't typed a single letter. I suppose its cuz my eyes have been busy staring at my phone and typing other messages. Well, life has been alright I guess. And I am totally not doing good at this whole blogging thing. So, at the moment I dont have any poems that I feel like writing or anything. I think that trying to let out my feelings onto this screen isn't as gratifying as it is to write it all out on paper. Or maybe I'm just not having any emotional complexes at the moment. Wait, I can feel one coming...
Being so far apart from him is killing me! Not being able to see him really hurts me and not being able to be with him is breaking me. But I'm glad now that he is at least available and that we could really be together if we wanted to. Its just out of respect, courtesy, common sense, and in fear that our lives would immediately become endangered that we aren't together...I don't know what I would have done if he wouldn't have been ok in his wreck. I'm not sure if I could live without him. I'm not even making this up. So, Lord thank you so much for sparing his life and that he is ok. He is pretty much one of my best friends. I don't think he knows how much he means to me. I hope I mean as much to him as he does to me. I honestly don't think I do. But I miss him. If anything I just want to sit and talk with him. Just me and him. He's easy to talk to. I could talk to him for hours. I can't believe I'm writing a post about him. I wish he could read it but then again I'm glad he can't. I think I would be saying to much. It might freak him out. But as John Mayer says we need to "Say what you need to say..." So, I don't know. I just fear he doesn't feel like this towards me. Well, not as much passion I guess is the word. I hope I can seem him soon cuz I really need to. I'm having withdrawals lol jk. It's just that I really miss him. Peace yo <3>

Hello There

Well, the name be Sky and this is basically just a private journal. My journals, I feel, the ones in my notebooks, are not very private. I fear that someone will discover them and read about my life before I'm ready to let them. So, I'm hoping this will be slightly more private. It'll also be faster. Seeing how I can type a lot faster than I can write. So, basically I like to write my own form of poetry. I don't follow any guidelines except the ones that I make for myself. I also may just write and it may not be in poetry form. So I hope this goes well. Peace yo <3