He always lets me down

After anything like this happens I always tell myself not to expect anything from him anymore. However, he soon gets my trust in him built back up and then I think he's not going to let me down this time. Like always he proves me wrong. So here's the story, I'll go back a little ways. So for one he does have a girlfriend now, but of course we're still bestest friends. Okay so he calls me babe and tells me how much he misses me and he promises me that next time he's single I'll be his girlfriend no matter what. That is a freaking load of bullshit!!....I really don't know what it is about this boy that has me hooked but really I can't imagine life without him...I love him. I'm dead serious...I love this kid and he totally takes me for granted. If only he new how much I love him and care for him...but as for now I have nothing to complain about really. I mean I have guys from all over trying to capture my heart..but it's him that is holding me back. He doesn't realize that I won't always be single and that one day he'll be in my shoes...but i don't it will hurt him as much as it hurts me. It hurts like freaking hell! I'm just soo tired of the shit he tells me. I can't wait for the day that he actually means it and backs it up. Or maybe the day where he tells me that he doesn't have feelings for me so just get lost. I just wanna know if I have a future with him like i believe i do. Okay so I do have a few crushes like that Barnard boy...omg he's sooo damn cute!! I would love to get to know him maybe hang out with him some...lol i mean i have options but its just him. I'm just so comfortable with him like doing physical stuff...hehe and idk i can talk to him about anything!! he's just really great...except i don't like him at the moment lol anyways the night before was his girlfriend's prom. that afternoon i was supposed to meet up with him in town just to hang out but i couldn't make it cuz of a scholarship thing. so i texted him on the way home and he was making plans for us to hang out this afternoon. so i told him to text me in the morning. no text this morning, afternoon, or even tonight. he's been on myspace and said something about the greatest night ever...and i'm cool with that but shit he could have at least told me he didn't wanna hang out or something...but maybe he forgot idk..so basically i'll wait till he texts me and see what happens from there. but i'll tell you one thing is for sure i'm gonna let him know how that feels...to have one more nail stabbed into my breaking heart...all because of him.

I can't do this anymore

I'm about to give up on him. He's being a total jerk! I dont know what the hell I did!! So screw him and FML!!! I will no longer expect anything from him...nothing at all...it's your loss...

It's pretty bad when...

Today, I nearly had a complete breakdown in front of everyone. I had to go into the bathroom just to pull myself together so I wouldn't be out there crying my eyes in front of everyone because you are acting like this. You are tearing me up! I can barely think straight. Right now I so badly want to freakin kick your ass. Next time I see you I don't know how I'm going to react. Am I going to be cool and act like nothing is wrong (like I normally would do). Or will I not even glance at you? Will I just walk up to you and push you and tell you what a jerk you've been? Right now I really just want to walk up to you and push you soo hard and freakin tell you off but I know me and I'll just act like normal. One day I hope you get to read this nifty blog I've done because I think like 99% of my posts are all about you. Most of them are about how you've hurt me and how your being a jerk. That should show you something.....I don't know why but...to be straight up...i need you. I need you soo bad. Your my best friend and I just need you too be that best friend that you used to be. No holding back. But what I really need to do is let go of you, and forget about you, and stop expecting anything from you. I have to move on and stop letting you do this to me. I have to but will I be able to?....

I'm trying not to let you get to me...

But you are. I don't know what I did...or if I have anything to do with it. Maybe your just not talking to me because you don't want to. Seriously though? This is driving me crazy! It frustrates me and confuses me and just really upsets me. I try so don't ever say I don't and do not blame me when one day things start falling apart. Because all of it (well most of it) is because of you. You don't just do this...one day things are great...then next thing I know the table is turned. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I'm not. You don't know how bad you've hurt me. Yet, you keep hurting me over and over again! It hurts so bad! It's like you stabbed a knife into to my heart and forgot all about it and you have just left me here to suffer with a knife in my heart...slowly ignorantly killing me! No your not my boyfriend...you don't have to be to break my heart. I think I'm starting to realize that my dreams are wrong. Maybe your not the one for me...I don't know why I ever thought you were. You rarely show me that you appreciate me...it's like you take me for granted. One day your going to lose me and I won't come running back to you when you call. If you call. Almost every guy I know treats me better than you. They call me beautiful and actually pay attention to me...I am a girl ya know. I know you know I'm a girl ;). I have emotions, feelings, thoughts, I am a person! So, next time when you try to talk to me I might just be a total jerk and I won't feel bad about it because that's how you treat me 75% of the time. A little taste of your own medicine. It doesn't taste good does it! But you'll prolly just blow me off and forget all about me. Forget about everything that we have. If only you could see how much pain you cause me maybe you would understand and maybe you would stop your shit and for once think about me...