Falling Out

I've been struggling with something lately and I wish I could pin point what it is, but I'm just going to come on out and say it. I think Cooper and I need to break up for awhile. This thought has nothing to do with him. He has been more than amazing this past semester and has shown me his love for me every day. The problem is I don't feel like I'm reciprocating that love. I can't tell you why exactly. I mean right in my grasp I have the most perfect, and amazing guy in the world who is madly in love with me. But he has a girl who he is questioning her love her him. She is questioning her commitment. She is dreaming of what could be and what she may be missing out on. I think the origin of this problem comes from me rushing out of high school to college and right into a relationship. No, I had not planned to get into a relationship immediately upon coming to college. I had planned on meeting and experiencing many guys...nothing serious, just all short-lived, maybe one nighters. But those ideas all changed when Cooper really came into my life. I fell in love with him like a whirlwind and before I knew it we were on our way to a serious relationship. This relationship meant I spent ALL my free time with him. Sure I had my sorority events, but seriously instead of hanging out with girlfriends I was with him. That was all fine and dandy at the time of course, but being in a relationship always means having to sacrafice something. In my case it has been friendships. Anyways, I think I'm getting off track. Lately, (this past fall semester) I've just felt something wrong. I know I'm not being or feeling what a girlfriend should. One simple example that I absolutely hate writing is that when I'm away from him my feelings are just blah. I don't exactly miss him or ache for him to come back. I can't believe I'm writing this but it's true. And when it comes to bedroom activities...I'm just as into it anymore. Maybe, once a week if he's lucky, I'll want to play around...I know this is silly, but physically/sexually I'm just not as into it anymore. He's noticed too and I really can't help it. I just want to lay there and cuddle, not with him touching me or trying to get something going... Also, the guy who the original posts of this little blog were about still consumes my mind. I thought this summer I had finally made mental peace with him in my mind. I thought I had finally convinced myself that if he really wanted to be with me then he would make it happen. That he would have fought for me all those years we spent in our up and down friendship...but I can't get him out of my head. It's gotten worse lately. I just wonder you know...I used to swear without a doubt that he was the guy I was going to marry. When Cooper came into my life that changed, but now I just wonder. I just don't want to live the rest of my life wondering what if? What if he is the one whom my soul loves? With Cooper I know I would have the perfect life and everything would be great. But would I love him the way I need to. Would I be able to be a faithful wife and not ever regret or wonder what could have been. This is why I'm proposing that Cooper and I may need to take a break. This decision though can turn out very devastating and heartbreaking. I know breaking up with him or taking a break would absolutely crush his heart. I know that he is passionately and completely in love with me. If I break up with him or whatever, would I be able to get him back if I realized he really is the one for me. Would he find someone else who truly loves him the way he deserves? Next, what about Rawley. Where do his feelings lie in regards to me? Does he think we are meant to be something more than friends? Would he be willing to try? Would I just be making a huge mistake and end up destroying our close friendship that I so deeply treasure? There are so many ways this could go wrong, yet so many ways it could end up right. I just want all three of us to end up with the person whom we truly, completely, and unconditionally love and whom our soul is meant to be with. In the end, I just need to put my trust in God that he has a plan and that he knows the future. He knows the man I will marry and I just hope I follow the right path that will continue to lead me to him.